It is important to focus on the things that we can control. Too often, we waste time and energy on things that are outside of our control and influence. We could be spending that time on creating our new story. We need to direct our focus on things we CAN control—things within our “circle of control”.
Three Levels of Influence
There are 3 levels of influence:
- Things that you can directly control
- Things you can influence
- Things that you have no control and influence.
So let us look at those things.
Things you can control:
It’s important to recognize that our perception of what we can control strongly influences what we do and what we feel about situations in our life. The perception of how much control you have in your life is called “Locus of Control.”
Locus of Control
A person who has a predominant internal locus of control believes that they can (or should be able to) influence all of the events and outcomes in their life. On the other hand, someone who has a predominantly external locus of control tends to blame the outside world for nearly all things that happen in their life. As you can probably see, being at the extreme end of both of these tendencies can have a negative impact on your life. For example, someone with a high internal locus of control tends to blame himself or herself, and beat themselves up, when something does not go their way, even if they had no control of the outcome. In other words, it is important to recognize there are things that we do not have control over. On the other hand, someone with a high external locus of control tends not to take responsibility for anything, blaming everyone else for things that are clearly within their control. They don’t take control of their life because they do not think that they have the power to make the difference. People with a balanced locus of control have a realistic view of what they do have power over.
Below is a small list of things that you do have control over right now:
- How much effort you put into something
- How many times you smile, say “thank you”, or show appreciation today
- How well you prepare for something
- How you react to an emotion (yes, you have a choice)
- What you focus on
- How you interpret a situation
- What you commit to doing or not doing
- What conversations you have and what you engage in
- How much you focus on the present moment
- What you tell yourself and how nice you are to YOU
- How you take care of your body
- How many new things you are exposed to
- What you do in your free time
- What information you consume: books you read, media you listen to or watch
- When you ask for help
- Whether you make plans and act on them
- How much you believe what other people say
- How long it takes you to try again when you fail
This is just a small list of examples. However, notice that all of these items are DIRECTLY related to YOU. Yes, YOU! Your actions, thoughts, emotions, beliefs and choices are what are within your circle of control.
Remember that some of the things that you have control over have consequences, but those consequences do not take away from the fact that you have a choice.
What are things that do you have control over that you would want to change and take charge of?
How will taking control impact your outcomes?
Things you can influence:
Outside of your circle of control, the next level is your sphere of influence. Our influence and perceived influence is critical to our wellbeing. In fact, researchers, Dr. Sommer and Dr. Bourgeois have been able to show that the more influential you feel you are, the greater your happiness and wellbeing. This is because feeling that we influence others gives us a sense of purpose, meaning, and control. Notice that influence is different than control. Influence does not mean telling people what to do or making them do something. That does not lead to happiness. And, the truth is that you CAN’T make people do anything.
There are two ways that you can increase your level of happiness when it comes to our influence.
- Increase your influence on others around you. The type of influence we’re talking about here is being a leader in our inner circle—meaning leading by example. For example, when we follow our dreams, stand up for what we believe, and when we grow, we empower other around us to do the same thing. It is about living in the reality that if you change your behavior, or attitude, other people tend to notice and are affected by those changes whether they want to or not.
- Increasing your awareness of how you currently influence those around you. When you acknowledge the positive impact you are having on others, it boosts your confidence.
Influence is a normal part of human nature. It’s up to you to decide in what ways you are influenced by others and whether you are a good influence on those around you. The sphere of influence goes both way because the people that you may have influence over also influence you. Choose who you are around wisely and be aware of the impact you have on others.
Make a list of those closes to you whom you influence over and/or who influence you:
How do you influence them (both negative and positively)?
How can you become a better positive influence on them?
How do they influence you (both positive and negative)?
Are there any negative influencers that you can replace with positive ones?
Becoming a positive influencer will increase your happiness and wellbeing and will serve as an empowering example for others. But, keep an eye out for the negative influencers in your life that may hinder the story that you are trying to create.
